Why does it seem like their autism is getting worse when they hit puberty?

April 20, 2011

Something happens when children turn into teenagers. They go from demanding  your attention to wanting their independence. For those on the spectrum, it may look like non-compliance; they don’t seem to want to follow through on your requests anymore. As a parent  it may be hard to appreciate, but  this is a necessary development. Being appropriately non-compliant  is a positive step towards self-advocacy. However, it is important to differentiate between appropriate teenage non-compliance, and problem behaviors that must be stopped.   As a parent  it’s important to support your teen as he struggles to  become his own person.

When tweens  on the spectrum go through puberty and hit the teen years, they also have the same hormones acting up as the neurotypical teens, and they feel the need to be more independent, only they don’t have the same outlets as neurotypicals to show their independence. Thus we see more defiant and on-compliant behavior.

Neurotypical teens are able to communicate to us that they are needing independence, they need more time away from their parents, and more choice over how they will spend their time. Sometimes they start acting up by staying out later than a pre-established curfew, go to parties, and get into environments where they have to make choices about their behavior. They usually have friends, and start negotiating with us  to change our house rules in  regards to their social outings. At school, they are involved in small group project or on sports teams and they get to make choices that effect the team.

For example, my daughter, Rebecca, loves alternative rock concerts, and has been asking to attend them since she was 11 years old. Now, at 17, the rules have changed in regards to attending concerts. When she was 11, she could go on a weekend night with a few friends if there was a trusted parent who went with them and stayed with them the whole time, and she had to be home at a certain time.  Now at 17, she is allowed to stay out later, does not have to have an adult accompany her, and at times can go during the week, depending on school and sport schedule.  The rules changed because as she got older, Rebecca argued her case to us, her parents, about why she should be allowed to stay out later, and to show her responsibility.

Pre-teens and teens with autism, however, don’t usually negotiate or tell their parents they need more space, even if they are verbal. They rarely have opportunities outside the home with other teens that are testing their parents authority. Yet, they have the same hormones and the same urge to have more freedom. This leads to non-compliance – which is never any fun for those involved.

In my next post, I’ll give you some autism parenting tips on how to provide your teen or student with more freedom or more space. Meanwhile,  you may want to consider signing up for my course on Adolescents on the Autism Spectrum.

Tips on helping your child and teen with autism make friends

April 18, 2011

On an earlier post, I discussed why it is hard for children and teens to make friends.  Relationships  are important, but difficult for many on the spectrum. With help they can learn some social skills that will allow a connection with others to be made on which to form a friendship. Here are some autism parenting tips on how to help them in this area:

  • Connect with the child by playing with what he wants to play with, and in the way he is playing with it.
  • Teach him turn taking skills using the toys or objects he is interested in, and then try some simple games.
  • If the lack of eye contact is getting in the way, suggest that the person on the spectrum focus on the ear of the person they are   conversing with.  To the conversation partner, it will look like they are making eye contact.
  • Teach social skills to the level possible. Teach about body language and  social cues. Think of how foreigners in a strange land don’t understand the local customs and have to  learn them: it is the same for a person with Asperger’s and neurotypical body language and social cues.
  • Teach wherever possible beginning and ending conversations and what kind of topics to bring up. Practicing them in a small group with peer tutors or buddies is a great way to get used to using them.
  • Find special interest groups where they can discuss the topic they are passionate about at length.  For example, if they are into Legos, trains,  or Star Trek, find a local club that is based on that interest. Then limit the conversation on that topic to  specifically scheduled times and to the club, by reminding them they can talk about it then.

For more information and autism parenting tips on teens and relationships, read  my book Adolescents on the Autism Spectrum, or sign up for my course on Adolescents on the Autism Spectrum.

How can we help our children and teens with autism make friends?

April 14, 2011

From the neurotypical person’s  point of view, it seems as if children, teens and adults on the autism spectrum are not interested in having friends.   They do not show the same type of social cues or social behaviors and body language that indicates to others that  they want to have a relationship. The adults I have interviewed make it clear they enjoy having relationships, including those who are mostly non-verbal such as Sue Rubin (“Autism is a World”).  My son Jeremy often communicates about wanting to have friends.  However, understanding the concept of  different types of relationships and knowing the appropriate behaviors and conversations expected from the neurotypical viewpoint, does not come naturally, and can be magnified for those who are non-verbal.

Ways in which it is difficult for them to make friends:

  • Many children on the spectrum are good at playing alongside, but not with, peers. They may be fascinated with a toy, but not play with it in the way it is meant to be played with, which means that peers may not connect with him.
  • Games are difficult. They need to learn turn taking and waiting.
  • They may be very interested in certain objects or past times that are not usual for the developmental level
  • They have a hard time making eye contact (as discussed elsewhere), and for many neurotypicals, eye contact is important and if you do not make eye contact then you appear rude or shifty.
  • Children and  teens may have poor social skills.
  • They are not good at picking up on non-verbal communication skills, such as social cues and body language, and this makes it hard for establishing a relationship. Those who are non-verbal may have communication systems that are limited and unfamiliar to neurotypicals.
  • Many who are verbal are not good at social chit chat and are frankly not interested in it because they don’t get the point of it. Often they have difficulties starting and ending conversations, or only want to speak on topics they are passionate about.

In my next post I will discuss  tips on how you can help your child  learn skills that will help him / her  have meaningful friendships.

For more information and autism parenting tips on teens and relationships, read my book Adolescents on the Autism Spectrum, or sign up for my course on Adolescents on the Autism Spectrum.

Puberty brings changes that are difficult for a teen on the spectrum

March 16, 2011

Most children with autism have a terrible time with change. They like things to stay the same, as they are used to the familiarity of routine. If there are no new things, they don’t have to anticipate for any ‘attacks’ to their senses; they can anticipate what is coming next.  Many like things to be the same and will spend time lining up their toys or objects. Some parents have reported that when they have moved the furniture around, the child will move it back to where it used to be.

Now, imagine that you are the type of person who cannot stand change, that you are afraid of it.  And then you notice something really freaky – your body is changing on you and you have no control over it. It is even worse if no one has told you what was going to happen. Boys start noticing the hair on their legs growing in tougher and longer, and hair sprouting in places there wasn’t any before. Then, they notice their Adam’s Apple has grown and become more prominent, and their voice is starting to change and is cracking at times. Not only that, but something weird is happening ‘down there’ – their penis gets hard and sometimes there is a liquid leaking out. How weird is that??!!
For girls, it is much the same – think of  all the ways a girl’s body changes, and imagine how frightful that could be if you don’t like change.  Especially when the girl begins to menstruate, if no one has explained to her in a way she can understand what that is all about, then she will have a difficult time going through this change towards womanhood.

Some tips:

  • It is best to start explaining to the preteen what bodily changes to expect before puberty hits. For girls, puberty usually starts at age 9 or 10, for  boys at 10 or 11.  However, better late than never.
  • Explain what will happen to both the male and female bodies during puberty, so that the child is not surprised when they see their peers changing as well.
  • Show pictures of trusted , loved adults of both sexes – mom, dad, aunt, uncle – as babies, then children, then teens, then  as adults, so that they see how the transformation has happened to everyone, and that it is a positive thing to go through.
  • Explain the bodily function inherent to being a boy (hardening of the penis, ejaculation) and being a girl (menstrual cycle).If you have a girl on the spectrum, it might be a wise idea to have her wear a pad for a while before she begins her menstrual cycles, so that she gets used to the sensory aspect of wearing the sanitary pad.
  • The use of social stories and a picture book you can create with the above information is helpful. You can then go over the picture book and social stories as often as needed.

The point is, body changes are scary for those who do not like change, but by telling them and showing them the changes that will happen can make it much easier for them. For more autism parenting tips when it comes to teens, you may wish to sign up for our course, Adolescents on the Autism Spectrum. Also, you can read Adolescents on the Autism Spectrum, or 41 Things to Know About Autism.

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