Autism can create stress in couples, what to do?

May 12, 2011

Parents all over the world feel the stress of having a child with autism. This letter is from a parent in the UK and was first published in The Autism File.

Dear Chantal,

My husband and I are near a divorce, the pressure is immense with our autistic son who is 4 years old. My husband blames me and I blame him, all our arguments I know are from stress, then we drink to numb the pain of helplessness. We need help and I don’t know where to turn to.  I need to talk to someone and I am desperate for my husband to love me again. Autism has simply wrecked our lives, I love my son but I feel I have lost my life and husband now. Please help.

Feeling the Pain

Dear Feeling the Pain,

My heart goes out to you.  You are not alone in your situation, unfortunately many marriages become very stressed when trying to deal with having a child with autism. It sounds as if you and your husband need some time away together from your child, time to enjoy each other’s company, to rediscover what you enjoyed about each other before autism entered your life.  Try to find someone to watch your son on a regular basis (ie once or twice a week) so you and your husband can leave the home and have a date. Individual counseling for you to have someone to speak to, and couples counseling may help you learn how to deal with the new family dynamics. Finding the right therapist is important. Perhaps contacting your local autism society chapter and finding out if there are any recommendations from other parents. Finally, joining an autism  support group could help you feel you are not so alone and you may find other moms you enjoy connecting with. As well, there are many on-line social communities available to connect with to share information and vent. There are more and more dad support groups as well.  My best wishes in re-connecting with your husband, and finding the support you need.

Chantal

My son with autism quotes TV dialogue, what do I do?

May 10, 2011

For a while, I wrote an “Ask Chantal” column for The Autism File magazine

  So many people enjoyed reading the column that I have taken the liberty of reproducing some of the more popular letters I received and the corresponding advice I gave

If it doesn’t help you, maybe you know someone it can help

Dear Chantal,

My son mumbles and talks to himself all the time

He seems to go into his own world, I cannot get him out

He seems to be quoting parts of films or things he sees on the computer/game boy

Do you have any suggestions how I can direct the speech to a conversation with me? He obviously is verbal but I can’t interact with him

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

You don’t mention how old your son is, but the fact that he is quoting dialogue from films or video games is a good sign in terms of his verbal abilities

He may be repeating them because he likes the sound, or he is understanding those words and phrases form listening to them over and over

  Pay attention to whether or not he is repeating bits of dialogue at appropriate times, which would show that he is understanding the meaning or intent

For example, my son used to repeat certain lines form Sesame Street that had to do with eating  cookies when that is what he wanted to eat

When he slips on the stairs, he says “Whoops! Sorry!” in the same voice  he has heard in a favorite video

This is a good sign

  I would suggest you  get him interested in communicating with you by getting to know the movies and games he is quoting from,  and then dialogue and connect with him by repeating them as well

He will be more interested in you if you take an interest in what he is into

You can repeat the bits of dialogue at appropriate moments

Then, use the characters from the movies and write social stories about what they would do in certain real life situations, getting him to help more and more, gradually getting him into talking about the here and now and not so much the pretend world

  Using his interest to connect with him and to teach him how to connect with others is an important first step

Chantal

Non-compliance is normal teenage behavior, not exclusive to teens with autism

April 25, 2011

In an earlier post, I discussed  the need for teens with autism to have more choices, just like any other teen.  So, how can we as parents and educators  provide them more freedom, more space?  Here are some tips:

  • Give them more opportunities to make choices, within parameters.  For example, if a teenager has had a schedule to stick to after school, why not give him the choice  of what order to do it in?
  • At school, provide more opportunities for making choices, perhaps in choosing the group activity, or more control over planning his schedule, and in  how he spends his day.
  • Give him or her  the choice of what  the family will eat for dinner, (within limits) once or twice a week – maybe he can even go do the shopping and help prepare for the meal with a helper. responsibility, and that is a lesson all teens need to learn.
  • Instead of always planning activities or outing  for your teen on the weekends, pick one day where your teen can  choose on a regular basis  what his afternoon will look like.

Have more questions about  teens and autism?  You may want to consider signing up for my course  on Adolescents on the Autism Spectrum.

Video Tip – Teaching your child with Autism to Wait

April 22, 2011