Love and Autism: A Conference with Heart

IMG_2050Months ago I posted here that Jeremy was preparing to move this summer and that we would be blogging about the preparation and transition. Well, as you all know, life is what happens when you are making plans. I’ve been swamped with work and so has Jeremy (painting orders keep arriving…) and the actual transition takes a lot of time and energy. Perhaps when he is actually moved out 100% I’ll have time to write about the experience to help others -people keep asking us to do so.

The most important aspect of life is the relationships we have with others – family, friends, lovers. A few years ago I wrote about Jeremy’s yearning for love in Autism & Modern Love . In our book A Full Life with Autism,  Jeremy and I shared our experiences in trying to help him in developing relationships or finding out more about sexuality. It wasn’t easy. It was hard to find resources then, and still today  rare is the opportunity  to help our loved ones on the spectrum prepare for this aspect of their life.

Love&Autism

Finally, there is a conference – Love and Autism: A Conference with Heart – taking place in San Diego on August 23rd and 24th that is all about having healthy relationships between family members, between couples, between friends.  No matter the age of your loved one, it’s an important topic to help with his or her emotional growth, necessary for all the different types of relationships possible.

I hope to see you there! Readers of this blog can get 20% off  registration at sign up by using the coupon code: LOVEASD. Student and Military 50% off if they email info@familyguidanceandtherapy.com, or event text (619)607-1230 a picture of their student or military ID. Regional Center clients can attend for FREE after Regional Center funding. Email info@familyguidanceandtherapy.com for links.

 

 

Need Information re Teens with Autism? Autism College course beginning Tuesday August 28

Are you a parent (or educator) of a pre-teen or teen? Do you wonder about how and when to explain puberty to your growing child? Are you at a loss about what to explain about the birds and the bees? Are you wondering what an ITP is and how to best prepare your child or student for adult life? Then the course Adolescents on the Autism Spectrum is for you.

Based on the award-winning book, more recent information, and Chantal Sicile-Kira’s popular national presentations, this interactive course will be taught on-line to a small group on Tuesday August 28, Wednesday August 29, Thursday August 30; from 6:00 pm to 8:00 pm PST (9:00-11:00 EST) for a fee. To sign up, go here.  Instructions will be sent to you within 24 hours of sign up.

The cost for the  6 hour- course over three days is  $99.00 and provides:

  • 6 hours of training
  • PowerPoints provided before the webinars to help with note taking.
  • The basics on what you need to know when your child or student (of different ability levels) is a pre-teen or teenager
  • Resources for more information on various topics
  • Opportunity for the participants to write in or call in their questions to Chantal.
  • BONUS: Written transcript booklet from the original live course  provided in March will be provided to those who sign up (a $39.00 value – see description in the Autism College store)
  • BONUS: Opportunity to watch replay of webinar at a later date (convenient if you miss a session).

Topics to be covered during the 6 hours include:

Adolescence 101: The Teen Basics :Everything you need to know (but don’t know who to ask)

  • 13 things every parent or educator needs to know
  • The general challenges faced by ASD teenagers
  • Sensory processing challenges in adolescence
  • Functional strategies to help with daily transitions
  • Family and sibling concerns
  • Teaching about puberty
  • Hygiene and self-care
  • Masturbation

Adolescence 102: Relationships: It’s Complicated

  • The notion of privacy and consent
  • Relationship boundaries
  • Sexuality
  • Self awareness
  • Self- regulation
  • Bullying
  • Interdependence

Adolescence 103: The Transition Years: Plan, Prepare, Practice for the Real World of Adult Life

  • Preparing the transition to High school
  • The ITP- Individual Transition Program and IEPs
  • Teaching life skills needed for work and / or college: self-esteem, self-advocacy, executive functioning, self-reliance
  • Building on strengths
  • The use of mentors

Sign up now to reserve your spot! Questions? Send us an email!

Praise for A Full Life with Autism

Lars Perner, Ph.D., Chair, Panel of People on the Spectrum of Autism Advisors for the Autism Society of America, and Assistant Professor of Clinical Marketing, USC, had this to say about A Full Life with Autism:

Each individual on the spectrum is unique and will need personally tailored supports.  At the same time, because of autism’s complexities and seemingly contradictory characteristics, it is often difficult to get a view of the “big picture” of a life on the spectrum and the challenges that it presents.  In their very comprehensive—yet highly readable—book, Chantal and Jeremy succeed in addressing both of these concerns.

Although ample resources for addressing the diverse needs of individuals on the spectrum are presented, the case Jeremy illustrates the types of challenges, surprises, and opportunities  that may come up as an individual develops.  Chantal talks about initially not expecting Jeremy even to finish high school and subsequently being able to help him not just graduate but go on to college.  An especially intriguing issue discussed involved helping Jeremy understand that a girlfriend is not something that can just be “hired” in the way that one can secure aides and support workers—an issue that only the most clairvoyant parent might have anticipated. Although optimistic and filled with humor, the book clearly acknowledges challenges that this family faced and those that will likely be faced by others—including obstacles to finding long term housing opportunities and healing from traumatic events.

Although much of the writing is done by Chantal, Jeremy is a consistent, creative, and innovative contributor, talking candidly about his own experiences that have led to the lists of tips that he presents.  I especially love his observation that rights of disabled individuals “are founded on the Fourteenth Amendment of the Constitution.”  The book’s extensive list of issues that may come up will unquestionable leave many families much better prepared for handling the challenges that will come up over the years.

More Rave Reviews: A Full Life with Autism

Elaine Hall,  creator of the Miracle Project, author of Now I See the Moon, co-author of Seven Keys to Unlock Autism and  subject of the movie “AUTISM: The Musical” has this to say about A Full Life with Autism:

A Full Life with Autism provides parents of teens on the autistic spectrum understanding, guidance, hope, and resources to navigate the uncharted territory of adult living.  Thank you, Chantal and Jeremy Sicile-Kira for responding to questions that so many of us parents are aching to know.  Thank you for brilliantly weaving  the parent perspective with Jeremy’s internal dialogue.  Thank you, Jeremy  for bravely articulating what is really going on inside the mind/body of someone with autism. I will use your words as starting points in my discussions with my own son, Neal.

A Full Life with Autism reminds us that the true “experts” on autism are our children; and that we, the adults, must listen to their wants and desires, then find the resources to help them realize their dreams.  I will be recommending this book to everyone I know.

 

 

A Full Life with Autism: Comments by Dr. Cathy Pratt

Unfortunately, many adults on the autism experience high rates of unemployment or underemployment.  Some of our most gifted live in poverty and have few options in life.   Chantal and Jeremy have creatively worked to create an engaged life for Jeremy and his family.   This book provides very practical ideas for transition planning and provides a template that others can use as they support adults moving into adulthood.   I highly recommend this for any family or individual as they  prepare for transition planning.

 

Dr. Cathy Pratt, BCBA-D, Director- Indiana Resource Center for Autism, Indiana Institute on Disability and Community; Former President of the Autism Society of America

Review of A Full Life with Autism by Dr. Joshua Feder

This marvelous book lays out in plain and readable language the challenges of transition to adulthood for persons with autism and offers practical advice from the inside perspective of a mom and her adult son teamed as partners in the enterprise of helping him achieve a meaningful life.

It is inspirational, almost a parable, in its effect of drawing you into their story and teaching important principles, and yet it is also comprehensive in the executive task of helping us think about our values, goals and objectives in our mission to give a real life to our adults with autism and related challenges.

Perhaps one of the most important messages: behavior is a form of communication, and it is incumbent on the people around the person with autism to work to understand what that behavior is communicating without merely consigning it to a category of something to be gotten rid of.  Jeremy states: “I have oftentimes been the victim of ignorance.”  We must not be party to what Jeremy has suffered.  We need to be humble and helpful, persistently curious and ever respectful.  We cannot presume to know what we do not.  We must take the time to get to know the hopes and dreams of people whom we do not yet understand.

I was also intrigued by the undercurrent discussion of relationships that runs through the book in sections on friendship, sex, love, and support staff, as they all revolve around the quality and character of relationships.  How can we support, for the person and people around him, the development of more meaningful communication, relating, and problem-solving.  To the many thoughts already included I would add that it is often very helpful to support the person and caregivers by carving out regular reflective time to think through how things are going  – what is working, what isn’t, and what to do to try next to understand the situation better and try something different.

In all, this is a compelling, thoughtful, comprehensive and inspiring bible that belongs on the shelf of everyone who strives to help people with autism build a life in a complex world.

Joshua Feder MD, Director of Research of the Interdisciplinary Council on Developmental and Learning Disorders

Kirkus Book Review: A Full Life with Autism

A Full Life with Autism: From Learning to Forming Relationships to Achieving Independence is my latest book co-authored with my son Jeremy (foreword by Temple Grandin) that was published on March 27 by Macmillan. The book has received many excellent reviews. Here is one by Kirkus Book Reviews, whose reviewers  are known as the world’s toughest book critics:

For readers already knowledgeable about autism and Asperger’s syndrome, a hands-on approach to transitioning into adulthood.

Sicile-Kira (41 Things to Know about Autism, 2010, etc.) and her autistic son, Jeremy, join forces in this guidebook to help parents and their autistic offspring move beyond childhood and evolve into an adult life. Although special-education services exist for children with autism spectrum disorder, once a child reaches adulthood the lack of adult services becomes apparent. As the mother of a severely autistic child, the author understands the needs of caregivers and children on the spectrum alike to shift to a quality of life that provides independence for all parties. “To create the future that you and your adult child envision will take perseverance and work,” she writes. “But good quality of life and peace of mind is worth it.” Based on her research, Sicile-Kira has compiled the majority of available resources into an accessible handbook that provides information on topics such as romantic and sexual relationships, finding appropriate living arrangements for true self-sufficiency and acquiring and keeping a job. The author breaks each large, seemingly overwhelming undertaking into small, doable tasks. Bulleted lists sum up each chapter and help readers remain focused and on-track. Equally as effective are the short essays and “top ten tips for parents,” written by Jeremy. His voice gives a personal, honest perspective on the daily life, expectations and hopes of someone with special needs who wants to become as integrated into adult society as possible. Additional resources include reading material and websites for care providers and people on the spectrum.

A proactive method for raising an adult child with special needs.

 -Kirkus  Book Review

Beyond Brochures

How to research and evaluate premium college support programs for students with learning disabilities.

By Wendy Byrnes and Eileen Crumm, Ph.D.; Finding Solutions LLC

GETTING STARTED

In recent years, more and more students with disabilities have graduated from high school and entered the post-secondary educational environment of college or vocational training.  The good news is that in response to this population’s unique learning profiles, a growing number of programs that offer support to those students have emerged.  Such programs may offer a menu of specialized or premium services that can include academic tutoring, liaison with post-secondary programs, coordination services, life skills instruction, social skills training, coaching and mentoring, vocational education, job internships and job placement.

Students with disabilities that are leaving high school should look for classes or a course of study that interests them.  It may include community college, vocational and certificate programs or a university.  This is a daunting task for many students, as they plot their course in life – hopefully independently.  College is achievable with preparation and meaningful supports and it is particularly important that students take ownership of their future, whenever possible.  A question that must be asked is “Who is holding the expectations for what will happen once a student leaves high school?”  Parents and professionals need to continue to mentor and advocate for the transitioning student while aligning future expectations with desires and capabilities.

While supported programming holds the promise of helping a student transition to a productive, young adult life, no one program will provide a panacea.  Due diligence should be done when investigating various options and looking well beyond any program’s brochure and marketing efforts is an absolute must.  The old adage of “wherever you are, there you go!” provides a healthy measure of truth for consideration in whatever plans are made.  Students and their families (along with professionals that may support the transition process) should be informed and empowered to find the most current and appropriate range of options.

As the demand for specialized support programs has increased, so then has the supply. Recognizing an opportunity for additional areas of service, various colleges, universities, for profit and nonprofit organizations have attempted to fill a void for services.  However, the population they propose to serve is far from homogeneous.  Rather it consists of young adults who share a tremendous desire to succeed and be independent, but have varying ability and skills to do so.   This means that a program needs to have both depth and breath in order to successfully serve its intended clientele of young adults with disabilities.

Some students with disabilities who enter college may be unprepared to manage their new-found independence and freedom.  They may struggle with navigating the new terrain of a college environment and be more fragile emotionally and socially. The fortitude of even the highest achieving student is tested when managing the ever-changing priorities of juggling classes, course work and living away from home.  For students with organizational or processing issues, the stress may be magnified many times over.

Programs that support students should be earnest and committed to the initial and long- term success of the student.  Students and parents may be vulnerable to programs that appear to make big promises and in the end, deliver less than desirable results.

Building a quality program takes time, expertise and commitment.  But to meet the rise in demand, programs can be put into place too quickly.  They may not have robust organizational structures and could fail to meet the divergent needs of their target population.  Others are too new to show any real or meaningful outcome data, so it becomes difficult to judge whether attending such a program would actually help a youth to become a successful adult.  The mission of any program selected should match the individual student’s expectations and needs.

Families who have pursued independent programming or services in the past for their children may have more familiarity with the specialty program or school selection process.  However, others that have used public school services or may be sending a young adult off for the first time will find they are navigating in unfamiliar terrain that can be overwhelming.  Investigation, planning and close examination of potential programs ahead of time can save costs and avoid buyer’s remorse in the long run.

PROFILE OF THE SERVICE PROVIDER

First, exactly what kind of program is being considered and what college(s) or vocational programs does it affiliate itself with?  Is the program embraced and supported by the faculty and administration of affiliated institutions?  How inclusive is the program with regard to the general population of students?  Are services centralized or decentralized and what other resources may be available such as counseling, writing centers or assistive technology labs?

Check that the associated colleges and vocational programs are ones that the student would actually want to attend.  Ensure that the classes that he/she may take (whether it be ceramics or physics) will be offered at the institutions affiliated with the support program.

It would be important to visit places like the office of specialized services of the associated  campuses and get a feel for how they deliver overall educational services and supports to students with disabilities.  Although both the Americans with Disabilities Act and Section 504 of the Vocational Rehabilitation Act of 1973 protect students in higher education, some schools and programs are much more willing to make accommodations for students with disabilities than others.  Ask to see printed materials that professors and staff are given to explain various disabilities and the rights and responsibilities of students.  Choosing a program that works with an institution offering relaxed time tables for completion of degrees or certificates may be a key element of success for some students.

Another factor to consider is how long the college support program has been operating as some programs are rapidly expanding to multiple sites.  Some of the sites may be more established, or offer a different mix of studies, or have a more inclusive student culture.  Families and students considering a support program should see how transparent the organization is in the way they operate. Try to get an understanding about the philosophy of the support organization to see how they actually view their work. Ask questions about the experience, training and stability of the staff working with students.   How is staff hired, trained and managed?  Is there a separate curriculum (for example on life or social skills) that is offered to or required of students?  What is the ratio of students to staff?

Find out if the support program is a for profit entity.  Contact the Better Business Bureau to see if there have been any complaints or actual lawsuits lodged against it.  If it is a non-profit, ask about the stability of the funding to run the program long-term.  In either case, get detailed information about the “real price” for attendance.  Think about additional costs that may not be covered in the price quoted in the brochures such as housing, additional daily living expenses and out-of-state tuition for the associated college or university etc.  Is there financial assistance for students entering the program or support applying for it? Has the program developed any additional links to public funding like the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation or Department of Developmental Services when appropriate?  A very clear picture should emerge about the financial commitment involved

APPLICATION PROCESS

How are student’s applications reviewed to make sure they are appropriate for the program?  Is their a mandate for complete disclosure to ensure the safety of all students?  What is the ratio of students who apply to students who are accepted? What is the general age range and make up of the student body?  What does the interview process like?  How competitive are the placements for the program?  Is there a minimum SAT score and/or other academic requirements to meet?  What kind of supplementary information is required as part of the process such as psycho-educational testing or proof of disability in order to be considered for admission?

How involved is the student in the process?  Does the support program require new students to review and agree to a standard of behavior?  Does it provide liaison to the college to ensure that the student’s disability is appropriately disclosed and that the student can avail of all the supports they are entitled to?  Are students expected to know how to explain their disability to staff during an interview?  If a student takes medication, are they expected to know what it is, what it is for and whether they manage their medication on their own?

As students move toward programming beyond high school, so much is expected or inferred and while the chronological age of the student may be 18, maturity and baseline knowledge about self-care may be delayed or emerging.  As part of the preparation or application process for college or added support program, families need to think through the level of independence for each student and the upfront knowledge and skill level required to manage classes as well as personal lives.

Students leaving high school may be surprised to find out that the special education process as they may have come to know it has ended and that they will now encounter a new system of accommodation only verses accommodation, modification and remediation.  It is important to know about (and obtain) the type of current documentation needed to show how a student’s disability may affect them.  Effort is no longer rewarded as much as results and students should be prepared to understand the shifting expectations in college.  Assessments that have been completed on behalf of a student need to include recommendations that trigger accommodations.

Another critical question in the investigative process is how is actual recruitment into the support program facilitated?  Are there student enrollment targets that sites may be trying to meet?  Do consultants, management or admissions staff get incentives for getting students through the door and for keeping them there? How likely is staff retained by the program to pressure students to stay in order to receive said incentives?  How much time do the admissions people spend in the actual program to know what is currently happening “on the ground?”  What information can they provide on the make-up of the group of students in the program?

Families should check to make sure that marketing efforts and materials presented actually match the specific services that are delivered.  Be weary of the brochure that looks too good to be true.  Some support programs spend a great deal on marketing efforts to woo students and parents can get caught up in the pressure to place their child.

CONTENT OF THE PROGRAM

Some programs offer a menu of services while others offer a more standardized model.  Whichever may be chosen, it is essential to know what is on the menu for a student.

Transitioning to a new school environment is huge for any young adult.  Therefore, the first issue that comes to mind is finding out what support exists for the student as he or she transitions into the setting.  Are there initiation or orientation processes? What kinds of additional services (if any) exist for any ongoing problems or concerns?  Does the program appoint a mentor or “go to” person for an individual student?  What is the activation process the student would use if they needed a specific support?  How available and approachable is staff to deal with student’s concerns?  How well does the student actually articulate their concerns, challenges or needs so that others can support them in their requests?

Beyond academic support, what is in place for assisting students who may have health issues, mental health struggles or a general breakdown in day-to-day functioning?  Does the program have a list of trusted allies to which a student can be referred?  What training is in place for staff to spot potential problems including abuses, aggression or violence?  Is staff trained to recognize when a student may be considering self-injury or suicide?

Is there programming in place for students to support those that are shy, socially awkward or isolated?  Are students encouraged and supported to join in the broader community?  Are activities mandatory and how are they selected?  What happens if a student is fearful to attend group activities?  How are disagreements or insults among students handled in a group?  How is leadership and compassion encouraged?  For particular students, social success may be far more critical than academics as a marker of present and future victories.

When a student falters or experiences additional trouble, what happens?  Are there measures in place to assist the student?  What happens if the student remains unsuccessful?  How willing is the program (and any educational entity related to it) to keep a student enrolled?  Is there assistance to look at other options if the current option fails?

Once a student has reached the age of majority, communication will (and legally should be) primarily be with the student and the educational entity and program.  Waivers must be signed by students if parents expect to be in the loop for exchanges of information.  Some programs want ongoing parent support and others may discourage it.  It is important to know the policies and expectations ahead of time.

If a student is going to be housed on campus or nearby, check out how solid, stable and conveniently located the housing is.  Is housing that is owned and operated by the program or institution itself offered?  What oversight is involved?  Who handles maintenance?  Are there significant leasing commitments to think about?  How are shared expenses for roommates handled?  Is there a student handbook that covers rules for co-existence including policies for drug and alcohol use?  What is the policy for having guests in the rooms or apartments including boyfriends or girlfriends that spend the night? What happens when roommate issues arise or how might an initial roommate selection process take place?  How are matters settled in a dispute?  If students are in dorms, what kind of resident adviser support might they get?

Equally important to note is if housing is in a safe neighborhood with nearby amenities.  Is it accessible to public transit and are students given any support or instruction to utilize whatever transportation options are available?  If the students are housed in apartments, is the general public living there as well and who makes up that population?  Families may want to look at crime and local police blotters to see if there has been violent crime reported in the area.  Is there limited access to student housing (and supports) during holidays and school vacations?

SERVICE DELIVERY

The next crucial piece to consider is how services are delivered.  Does the student self-select for services?  What if they need additional organizational support?  What kinds of external organizational supports exist?  Does someone regularly check in with the student including making sure that outside class assignments are completed, tutoring sessions attended? Is anyone tracking the overall well-being of the student?  Are there records to track services that have actually been rendered?

Ask program staff about the kinds of classes that students actually take.  Are they credit or non-credit classes?  How many students actually complete a degree? If students are taking classes at the support program’s site such as study, life or social skills, how is that measured in terms of success and building upon emerging or existing skills?  How is that reported and documented?  Is there an opportunity for fluidity in the program or is it more rigid in the way it delivers standard services?

If parents must sign a contract for services, be careful when reviewing and BEFORE signing.  Take care to see how iron-clad the contract is and whether there is an escape clause if the program is not successful or a failure to deliver promised services can be substantiated.  Can services be prorated?  Is there a varied selection of services to choose from?  Must a student sign up for all services if only certain services are needed? Is there a dispute resolution process in place for programmatic or contractual issues?

Last but certainly not least, a program should encourage a student with a disability to become the very best self-advocate they can possibly be.  Who will help them to understand the ongoing and changing process for asking for appropriate accommodations with regard to their classes or in the workplace if they are learning a vocational trade? Students with disabilities must access post-secondary programs that will steadfastly support them in their earnest efforts to succeed not only academically but in self-awareness and self-determination.

OUTCOMES FOR STUDENTS

Every parent wants to believe that they are sending their child off to a program that offers positive results.  With that in mind, what are the reported outcomes of graduating students like?  If it is a newer program, what kinds of grades and progress are students making that have entered the program?  How is success measured?  Some programs feel that getting a student integrated into the general scheme of college life and then letting them spread their wings on their own IS success.  Others may want to follow the student through the entire program.  Ask for references to gage other’s experiences with the program.  Check for blogs that might exist about the program as commentary can be quite sobering to read and content should be checked for its validity.  There are also a number of blogs and posts on social media that document local dorm and apartment living so bear that in mind when looking.

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Post-secondary, supported programs should create an atmosphere of authentic hope tempered with realism.  Many supported programs accept students well past the age of eighteen and there is time to prepare and amass more coping skills and maturity before utilizing a comprehensive supported program if one is actually needed.  But students must be ready and motivated before they commit to the program that appears to have the best set of services and supports to assist them in their unique journey toward personal independence and achievement.  Being a wise and knowledgeable consumer who has done the needed ground work to find a support program with integrity and commitment to its students will certainly be worth every bit of time and effort involved.

 

Modern Love

by Chantal Sicile-Kira

Editorial Note: This article originally appeared in Spectrum Magazine in the February/March 2010 issue.

My son is pining for a girlfriend. He’s on Facebook.

Relationship Status: Single

Interested In: Women

Looking For: Friendship, Dating,  A Relationship, Networking.

Political Views: Go Obama!

About Me:  I like to listen to music and walk on the beach. I can type with one finger. I have autism.

Jeremy is quite a catch – he’s buff from working out at the gym, has an endearing personality, and he starred in an award-winning episode of the MTV ‘True Life’ series.  Never mind that he is autistic, and needs help with everyday living skills, and probably always will. (In my opinion, he should be looking for a traditional wife who will take care of him, instead of a girlfriend, but I digress).

One night recently I woke up at 3:00 am to find that all the houselights had been turned on. Usually a sound sleeper, Jeremy had been making the rounds.  I heard him downstairs and decided to investigate. He was looking through my husband’s collection of architecture books. He found the one he was looking for, Las Vegas: The Fabulous 50’s, and flipped it open to the section on strip clubs and showgirls. “Why are you up, Jeremy, what’s going on?” I asked. “I’m thinking about girls,” he replied.

Oh, how I miss the prepubescent years when Jeremy was examining the guitars in the music magazines and not the beautiful models holding them. Although Jeremy has been showing an interest in females for some time, he is now communicating that guitar magazines just don’t do it for him anymore. I long for the days when his choice of reading and viewing materials ran along the gamut of Dr. Seuss’s ABC and Sesame Street when he wasn’t occupied with his school work.

The show that finally got his attention away from Big Bird is Entourage, which is basically a show about how four good friends from the East Coast now living in LA try to get laid and avoid relationships in between acting gigs.  There is a lot of eye candy for the guys on here (and the male actors are not so bad-looking either). Dusty, one of Jeremy’s tutors, nicely offered us the DVD of the first season as a gift.  Jeremy got hooked. When asked what he liked about it, Jeremy spelled out, “I like that they are good friends.” So I bought him Friends, which I thought was a little tamer but still dealt with friendships, but after watching two episodes, Jeremy didn’t want to see anymore. Frankly, there isn’t enough female nudity to keep his interest. I guess it wasn’t the male bonding between the main characters on Entourage that he was focusing on.

My main concern for Jeremy up until now has been where will he live, what can he do to earn money, what will happen when my husband and I are no longer alive. Not a week goes by when I don’t think about this and research the possibilities and create possible scenarios in my mind. He is now 20 years old, the same age as the young adults I worked with in a state institution for the developmentally disabled, years before Jeremy was born (I guess you can catch autism by osmosis). It is one thing to help people with autism and their families with the emotional detachment of a professional; it is quite another to be caring for and planning for your precious child. Because at the end of the day, it is the parents who are responsible, and it is difficult emotionally as well as practically to try and create a future for your loved one. Already just thinking of providing the basic necessities of food, shelter and work for your loved one with autism is a constant worry (unless he is a trust fund baby). But loving caresses, physical intimacy, love, and a relationship with someone who is with you because they choose to be, not because they are related to you – are also basic necessities, the kind you can’t pay for even if you have the money.  I am not immune to the sadness embedded in the emails from parents of young adults writing to me for advice, asking for answers; asking me what they should do, how are they going to cope.  I feel their pain, my heart aches as it mirrors my own distress.  We have barely enough energy to make it through an autism –filled day, let alone plan for the tangible – and less tangible – future needs of our children.

My son learned to communicate by spelling out on a letter board and has been doing it now for about 4 years.  The way he describes what autism is like for him, it sounds like a less severe form of  “locked-in syndrome,” similar to what Jean Dominique Bauby, the editor in chief of Elle suffered.  Bauby, had a stroke and lasped into a coma and when he woke up he could move only his left eye.  He wrote his memoir The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, blinking out a code representing the letters of the alphabet presented to him on a letterboard.

Jeremy is clear about what he feels and thinks.  “Being severely autistic means being stuck in a body that doesn’t work well with no way to communicate.  People ask do I feel emotions. Yes I do, I just can’t show them. Like when my mom helps me I am really grateful, but I can’t get my face to move. You know autism is very different from being retarded and the difference is that nothing seems different to me.  I am the same as you inside.  I can’t control my body but I am smart.”

Before my son could communicate his feelings, I had no idea how he felt about people and relationships. To look at his body language, which he can’t really control, you would think he does not want to be around people. Yet, he wants to connect so badly with people his own age and he struggles to find ways to communicate this. His quest to connect with friends was effectively documented on MTV:  Jeremy masters assistive technology in order to have a voice, yet  has difficulty  staying in a room full of noisy people at his own party.

On his 19th birthday, Jeremy let me know for the first time that he was unhappy with his birthday presents. When I asked him why, he spelled, “ I want a cell phone.”  “What do you want with a cell phone? You are nonverbal,” I exclaimed. “I want to text my friends,” he spelled. He sees how adept his younger sister, Rebecca, is at connecting with her friends via text, and he was hoping to do the same. This cell phone business has been difficult. Those little keyboards are not easy considering the visual processing and motor problems my son has. And the only real friends he has (sadly) are his tutors. But, I know he is lonely and wants to connect. So he got a cell phone.

Since Jeremy keeps bringing up girls, I suggested he join Facebook and work on his communication skills, as this is important for any kind of relationship. “Do you think I will really find a girlfriend on Facebook?” he asked. “It’s not that simple, but you will meet people and you can connect with others right from your home and practice communicating,” I told him.  Now, he goes on Facebook about every other day with one of his tutors. He likes to see if he has any friend requests and to comment on what he is doing.  What are you doing right now?  Jeremy is thinking the girls at the gym are hot.

Mark, one of his tutors, suggested that Jeremy start working out. He took Jeremy to check out  different gyms.  Once they had narrowed down their search, Jeremy and I went to discuss membership terms. When it came time to ask questions, mine were the usual, “What is the initial membership fee? What will the monthly payments come to? ” I asked.  Jeremy’s questions at the first place were a bit different. “Are the girls nice here?” he spelled out. “Are they pretty?”

As we arrived at the second place, LA Fitness, the doors flew open and more than a dozen gorgeous, shapely young women came running out. Jeremy was all smiles. We walked in and the receptionist said “You’ve just missed the Charger Girls! They just left.” Jeremy was even happier – a Charger Girls poster is the only athletic memorabilia hanging in his room.   “I like this place! This is where I want to come workout.” commented Jeremy.  Jeremy got straight to the point with the salesman. “Do the Charger Girls really work out here? Are they good at sports? What is their schedule?”

Jeremy joined LA Fitness, and goes regularly there with either Mark or Troy, another tutor. This past Christmas, Jeremy spelled out “I want to buy a calendar with pictures of girls for Troy,”  he spelled. “Uhhh…. OK, ask Janine to take you to the mall,” I replied. Jeremy is, after all, over 18.  Sure enough, Jeremy came back with a calendar aptly titled “Hot Buns.” I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. I’m sure he was inspired by the Charger Girls.

When Troy came over the following Wednesday as usual to take Jeremy to the gym, Jeremy gave him the calendar. Now, Troy is an ex-Navy guy, single dad of an 8-year-old girl, and works in a middle school classroom for students with aggressive behaviors. He is not your shy, withdrawn type. However, he looked perplexed when Jeremy handed him the calendar. “Jeremy, thank you, and I’m honored you thought of me, but why are you giving me this calendar?” Jeremy rocked excitedly back and forth and spelled out, “Because you are the best tutor to help my mom understand she needs to find me a girlfriend.”  “Jeremy, I know you need a girlfriend, the question is how to find one,” I said. “Troy is the best tutor to help,” insisted Jeremy.

I asked Jeremy what he wants in a girlfriend. “When I think about having a girlfriend I am thinking about sex,” he explained.  I asked, “Is sex all you think about?” “That really is not the main thing. I want a relationship. I want to have someone to talk to and laugh with,” he replied.

We have discussed a lot about what it means to have friendships and relationships and the meaning of love and how that is different from just having sex. He is beginning to understand the complexity of how it is not that easy and that, yes, being autistic and all that entails for him, it will be difficult. But that even without autism, having a loving intimate relationship with another person is not a given. “I think finding love is not easy for anyone. What I mean is that most people greatly search for love but do not find true love. I know this because I frankly see that my aunt is not married and she is a great person.”

I ask him, “What does love mean for you?”  “Love for me means that someone likes my way of thinking about life and the same philosophy about living. Love is not a prisoner but it makes you realize that you care about this person more than anyone else.”  I could not have said it better myself.

While Jeremy has his eye on Entourage for inspiration, I have my sights set on Big Love. Having three wives, a 3-house suburban home, an extended family and strong community ties  – it sounds like a better model for what Jeremy’s future should look like. With three wives, Jeremy would have the love and intimacy he craves, and the women would have plenty of respite.  This arrangement would also solve the housing problem and our worries about what will happen when his father and I are no longer alive. For now, I keep searching for ways for him to connect and relate with people, and to keep alive the flame of hope he carries in his heart that one day, he will find true love.

 

 

New to Autism? How to Cope

Recently, I posted a blog on the Autism College website entitled : “My child has just been diagnosed with autism, how do I cope with this?” Parents new to the world of autism usually have a tough time after getting the diagnosis. Parents learning to cope  may find the following tips helpful:

• First, acknowledge your feelings, and allow yourself to feel the emotions that are there. These emotions, may come back time and again, but you will learn to cope.

• Know that the emotions you feel as a parent of a child with autism, has been compared to the stages of grief that  person goes through when mourning the death of a loved one.

• Recognize what you are feeling and try to use those emotions to your benefit. If you are angry, use that energy to find out all you can and advocate for your child (just be careful not to take out your anger on those that are there to help you). If you are feeling isolated, join a support group. If you are feeling powerless, go on the internet and do some research to learn about what options you have for your child, or which advocacy group exists in your state (every state has one) for the developmentally disabled community.

• Keep in mind you are not mourning the death of your child, you are mourning the loss of your expectations. The child you have may not be the child you were expecting, but he still needs you and loves you.

• Reach out and find an autism support group in your area that can help you feel less isolated and can help you with information.

• Find out all you can that can help your child so you can make the right choices. Empower yourself with the knowledge you need to help your child the best way that you can.

• Take care of your self. Just like in an airplane where the flight attendant instructs you in case of an accident, to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help your child; you come first. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to help your child.

At Autism College, we can help you as we help other parents coping with autism. Our Parent Empowerment Course can assist with some information such as how to know what will help your child, and the affects of autism on siblings and grandparents. Our free Library will  grow and we are adding information you can use. Two of my books might be really helpful to you at this time: Autism Spectrum Disorders (an  ASA Book of the Year) and 41 Things to Know About Autism.